Question:
My husband's ex. co-worker & girlfriend is constantly inviting us over to their place for dinner, or calling us to go out. While this is very kind and generous of him, I just cannot stand the guy. He is insecure and therefore tries to over compensate -in everything that he says and does....
All he ever talks about is money...and how much of it his company handles (he works for a hedge fund, not a trader..just support work)....how much so and so makes etc. He'll talk incessantly about his work using industry lingo, all the while letting us know how his company hires only "highly intelligent" people (come on!! giving yourself a compliment?? shameless). AARRHH. He's just soooo annoying. It's the same thing, over and over again, constantly trying to assert himself in any way possible, whether we're talking about cuisine, films or art.
He's quite young and haven't really experienced too much in way of life -he's only 27. I know this all stems from the fact that he's insecure. From what my husband tells me, he never had too many friends at school or work.
Anyway, I just don't know how to get him off our backs. Since he's my husband's "friend"...I'm not the one in communication with him and therefore can't turn him down. We've tried using all sorts of excuses and turned him down numerous times -he just doesn't seem to get the hint. Any ideas?

Answer:
I wish I could write this off to the youth of the offender, but I can't. My husband's good friend went on like that for years and years. One day after he had the nerve to wax philosophical about the superiority of his kids (!) over everyone else's children, I could handle it no more. I gave him a fire-breathing lecture about his years of boasting, bragging and general jackassiness.
What do you think happened?
My husband looked horrified and gave me his worst glare..but the friend. He thanked me. He'd just never considered the ramifications of his behavior before.
The bragging stopped and the friend became more pleasant to be around. I should have done it years before, but was too intimidated.
I would recommend talking it over with your SO first

Answer:
I'd have to agree that it really has nothing to do with youth. I have a 40 year old friend exactly like that but I don't plan to knock him off his soapbox. He has enough problems and I understand where he's coming from. He had a rough childhood and still has it pretty rough. He in-fact, talks about a rich client of his who is in his 80s and talks/acts the same way.
Unfortunately, I don't have any suggestions on how to tactfully get the offender to wise up.

Answer:
Thank you Zibeline and Madscientist for your posts. Zibeline, I would have loved to be a fly on the wall when you gave him the 3rd degree! Good for you -I don't quite have the courage to do that yet. I wish I did. I suppose if I had children and he made some remarks...than I probably wouldn't hold back either. And Madscientist, I completely understand your thinking too.....I once tolerated this girl for about 14 years because I felt sorry for her! She had a really crappy childhood and went through some tough times. Everytime she said or did something, like water over a duck's back...I'd like it slide -because I knew where these comments were coming from.
Anyway, so when time came for us to move to the States, I just didn't tell her! I'd had enough. No sooner that I got rid of her, another comes to fill her shoes **sigh** I'll just have to work on the art of gentle verbal defense!

Answer:
What about taking them awful, untasteful, unpleasant and possibly futile gifts each time you go to dinner to them in order to make them think twice before inviting you again?
After all the only thing they will accuse you to have is just bad taste, not unkindness!

Answer:
Why is your husband's ex coworker your problem?
Tell your husband, that you don't like his friend and that he is welcome to visit him whenever he wants, but that you are no longer interested in going along. When your husband asks what he is to say to him when he rings with another invitation, suggest that he can tell him exactly what you just said about the coworker. Offer to ring the coworker up right then and there and tell him just that. If your husband agrees, do so.
If your husband says "But he's a human being and has feelings!" You reply that you are a human being and have feelings - and that you don't feel like stuffing up any more evenings being anywhere near his friend.
Always keep in mind that you CANNOT hurt another person's feelings - they choose to hurt themselves.
Renato
P.S. - Why has no one ever written a book about The Virtue of Bluntness?

Answer:
This sounds like a Seinfeld episode...
I feel like there is no way out of it without upsetting the person or lying the whole time, unless you will just come out with it. You can come up with excuses over and over and maybe they will go away, but it will not be easy or fun.
If you give in just once, you'll be reinforcing the fact that he thinks you two want to see him and that will only mean more calls and invitations. Just avoid him as best you can while keeping yourself sane. That is all I can offer apart from a completely blunt "GO AWAY!" type of response.

Answer:
Always keep in mind that you CANNOT hurt another person's feelings - they choose to hurt themselves.
Renato
I love that! Very insightful...Never thought of it that way, but very true. It seems the simplest solutions are always the toughest to implement! I wish I could be more bold and blunt -alas, I think I'll take the road of least resistance -avoidance!
--------------------------------------
[quote=EnvYuS]This sounds like a Seinfeld episode...
I got a good laugh from this mental picture I had of myself stuck with them...LoL

Answer:
I stand by the direct approach..provided your husband is on bo youoard with this. If this guy comes across as a boor to you, we can be pretty sure that he impresses others the same way. Ultimately I did my husband's long time friend a favor by employing a bit of reality testing.
I probably did not have to wallop they guy the way I did, but his droning on about the superiority of his kids over everyone else's was the last straw. It would have been better to give him a smack down over his midas-like money counting years earlier. My husband was disinclined to give up the friendship (this man was only like that with a larger audience) and I could have saved myself years of quiet seething.

Answer:
Let me see, as kinda of a boor myself how would I like to get this news...
Eye rolling, deep sighs, repeated glances at the old wrist watch aren't going to do it. Truly I am that self absorbed.
There is something to be said for the blunt approach, but honestly I bruise like a peach. So the bluntness ought to be tempered with a little humor. So when I prattle on in my self aggrandizing manner if some one sprayed the air with can of Lysol and said ' is the air getting a little stale in here? Or is it just this conversation? ' I'd know I'd get a clue.
Maybe I'd never return or maybe just lighten up a bit. ; )
Vince