Question:
I'll go first. It's been suggested that we have a joke thread. Every forum eventually starts a joke thread and I've seen forums where there are gross threads for members only. I'm quite sure that Supermarky will provide links.
so I'll go first with a long joke. this may be the longest joke on the net. I think it's rib splittingly funny. and it is called my friends...
The Butcher Dance
A guy has spent five years traveling all around the world making a documentary on
Native dances. At the end of this time, he has every single native dance of every
indigenous culture in the world on film. He winds up in Australia, in Alice Springs, so
he pops into a pub for a well earned beer. He gets talking to one of the local
Aborigines and tells him about his project.
The Aborigine asks the guy what he thought of the "Butcher Dance."
The guy's a bit confused and says, "Butcher Dance? What's that?"
"What? You no see Butcher Dance?"
"No, I've never heard of it."
"Oh mate. You crazy. How you say you film every native dance if you no see
Butcher Dance?"
"Umm. I got a corroborree on film just the other week. Is that what you mean?"
"No no, not corroborree. Butcher Dance much more important than corroborree."
"Oh, well how can I see this Butcher Dance then?"
"Mate, Butcher Dance right out bush. Many days travel to go see Butcher Dance."
"Look, I've been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon, to deepest darkest
Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these dances. Nothing will prevent
me from recording this one last dance."
"OK, mate. You drive north along highway towards Darwin. After you drive 197
miles, you see dirt track veer off to left. Follow dirt track for 126 miles 'til you see
big huge dead gum tree - biggest tree you ever see. Here you gotta leave the car,
because much too rough for driving.
You strike out due west into setting sun. You walk 3 days 'til you hit creek. You
follow this creek to Northwest. After 2 days you find where creek flows out of rocky
mountains. Much too difficult to cross mountains here though. You now head south
for half day 'til you see pass through mountains.
Pass very difficult and very dangerous. Take 2, maybe 3 days to get through rocky
pass. When through, head northwest for 4 days 'til reach big huge rock - 20 ft high
and shaped like man's head. From rock, walk due west for 2 days and you find
village. Here you see Butcher Dance."
So the guy grabs his camera crew and equipment and heads out. After a couple of
hours he finds the dirt track. The track is in a shocking state and he's forced to
crawl along at a snails pace and so he doesn't reach the tree until dusk and he's
forced to set up camp for the night.
He sets out bright and early the following morning. His spirits are high and he's
excited about the prospect of capturing on film this mysterious dance which he had
never heard mention of before.
True to the directions he has been given, he reaches the creek after three days and
follows it for another two until they reach the rocky mountains. The merciless sun is
starting to take its toll by this time and his spirits are starting to flag, but wearily he
trudges on until he finds the pass through the hills - nothing will prevent him from
completing his life's dream.
The mountains prove to be every bit as treacherous as their guide said and at
times they almost despair of getting their bulky equipment through. But after three
and a half days of back breaking effort they finally force their way clear and
continue their long trek.
When they reach the huge rock, four days later, their water is running low and their
feet are covered with blisters. Yet they steel themselves and head out on the last
leg of their journey.
Two days later they virtually stagger into the village where the natives feed them
and give them fresh water. They begin to feel like new men.
Once he's recovered enough, the guy goes before the village chief and tells him
that he has come to film there Butcher Dance.
"Oh mate. Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night. You too late. You
miss dance."
"Well, when do you hold the next dance?"
"Not 'til next year."
"Well, I've come all this way. Couldn't you just hold an extra dance for me,
tonight?"
"No, no, no! Butcher Dance very holy. Only hold once a year. If hold more, gods get
very angry and destroy village! You want see Butcher Dance you come back next
year."
The guy is devastated, but he has no other option but to head back to civilization
and back home.
The following year, he heads back to Australia and, determined not to miss out
again, sets out a week earlier than last time. He is quite willing to spend a week in
the village before the dance is performed in order to ensure he is present to
witness it. However, right from the start things go wrong.
Heavy rains that year have turned the dirt track to mud and the car gets bogged
every few miles, finally forcing them to abandon their vehicles and slog through the
mud on foot almost half the distance to the tree.
They reach the creek and the mountains without any further hitch, but halfway
through the ascent of the mountain they are struck by a fierce storm which rages
for several days, during which they are forced to cling forlornly to the mountainside
until it subsides. It would be suicide to attempt to scale the treacherous paths in
the face of such savage elements.
Then, before they have traveled a mile out from the mountains, one of the crew
sprains his ankle badly which slows down the rest of their journey enormously, to
the rock and then the village.
Eventually, having lost all sense of how long they have been traveling, they stagger
into the village at about 12:00 noon.
"The Butcher Dance!" gasps the guy. "Please don't tell me I'm too late!"
The chief recognizes him and says "No, white fella. Butcher Dance performed
tonight. You come just in time."
Relieved beyond measure, the crew spends the rest of the afternoon setting up
their equipment - preparing to capture the night's ritual on celluloid as dusk falls,
the natives start to cover there bodies in white paint and adorn themselves in all
manner of bird's feathers and animal skins.
Once darkness has settled fully over the land, the natives form a circle around a
huge roaring fire.
A deathly hush descends over performers and spectators alike as a wizened old
figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entire body enters the circle and
begins to chant. Some sort of witch doctor or medicine man, figures the guy and he
whispers to the chief, "What's he doing?"
"Hush," whispers the chief. "You first white man ever to see most sacred of our
rituals. Must remain silent. Holy man, he asks that the spirits of the dream world
watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them through our dance and, if they like
our dancing, will they be so gracious as to watch over us and protect us for another
year."
The chanting of the Holy man reaches a stunning crescendo before he moves
himself from the circle. From somewhere the rhythmic pounding of drums booms
out across the land and the natives begin to sway to the stirring rhythm.
The guy is becoming caught up in the fervor of the moment himself. This is it. He
now realizes beyond all doubt that his wait has not been in vain. He is about to
witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and movement ever conceived by
mankind.
The chief strides to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice, starts to
sing,
He says, "You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right arm out. You butch yer
right arm in and you shake it all about..."

Answer:
My favorite joke of all time:
(note, genders of the chicken and the egg can be interchanged to ones liking)
A chicken and an egg were laying in bed together. The chicken was all laid back, satisfied smirk on her face, and smoking a cigarette. The egg, on the other hand, was really pissed off. She was turned away from the chicken with her arms folded across her chest. Finally she gave a great sigh, turned to the chicken and said.....
"Well that answers THAT question!"

Answer:
Junkie! Hardy-har-har!
Here's one i dug out of ... wherever, i don't know. It's not big-time haha, but it's amusing. i'll be sure to find something better soon ...
Subject: WHY GOD CREATED PETS
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to
"Where do pets come from?"
Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us
every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is
difficult for us to remember how much you love us."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be
with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that
you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or
childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you
are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was
a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be
with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have
already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name
for this new animal." And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this
new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a
reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG." And Dog lived with
Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were
comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said,
"Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like
peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed
taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well." And God said, "No
problem!
I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who
will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their
limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of
adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve. And Cat would not
obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded
that they were not the supreme beings And Adam and Eve learned humility. And
they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.

Answer:
Originally Posted by CoTHukoB And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other. *Giggles* I need to rough up my lil kitties after that one!!!

Answer:
A man is working on the Empire State Building, laying brick in one of the upity suites. He looks at his buddy and says:
"You know, I could throw this brick way out over the edge, it'll miss the safety net, and if someone is just unlucky enough, they'll get hit by it." As he says this, his buddy throws a brick as hard as he can over the edge.
"What're you doing?!?! I was just messing around!"
... crap, I forgot the punchline. Well, maybe a different joke, then maybe I'll think of the punchline.
A pirate is steering his boat around a disabled vessel, trying to keep out of their line of cannon fire. He tries yelling to the captain of the other ship to tell him to surrender, but the captain keeps shrugging his shoulders. The pirate tells the parrot on his shoulder to take this message to the captain.
"Argggh! Give up now or forever sleep in Davy Jones' locker!"
The parrot takes off and gets hit by the brick.
There's the token crappy joke for this thread, lets see some good effort out there people!
- Rich

Answer:
So there's a bar on the 44th floor of a building in New York. It's Thursday afternoon and there are a few regulars hanging out getting boozed up. A tourist walks in, sits down next to a regular and orders a beer. They strike up a conversation about the Yankees and the guy orders another beer. He then notices a draft "Hey where's that breeze coming from?" The regular he's sitting next to points to an open window on the other side of the room, "There's a thermal between this building and the next. It provides a strong, constant wind."
"Really?" says the tourist, "Let me see".
So they walk over to the window and sure enough a strong 20 mph breeze is pushing through the window. "That's really amazing!" says the tourist.
The regular laughs a bit and says, "You haven't seen anything yet. In the afternoon when the sun hits things right the breeze is especially strong. It can lift a man straight up in the air."
"Oh come on now, you're just pulling my leg now" says the tourist.
"No no no, watch" says the regular and before the tourist can blink, he jumps out the open window
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and then the guys slows down and starts moving back up
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The tourist grabs the windowsill, reaches out and grabs the guy's hand and pulls him in. "Oh my word! I've never seen something so amazing!"
"It's real easy, we used to have a whole group of us who'd jump every week" says the regular.
"This I've got to try" says the tourist and jumps out the window.
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*SPLAT*
The regular turns away from the window, returns to the bar and orders a double. The bartender brings it, shaking his head and says, "Man, Superman, you are one mean drunk!"

Answer:
The composer of the song “The Hokey Pokey”, Larry LaPrise, died a few years back in Boise, Idaho, at the age of 83. Funeral arrangements were authorized for a traditional burial. Then things got out of hand.
It all began to go bad when, in trying to place Mr. LaPrise in the coffin, they put his right hand in...

Answer:
New Year's Resolutions
I do hereby firmly resolve that during one year from date i will not drink any spiritous, vinious or malt liquors of any kind whatsoever, except in case i may think it would be a good thing to temporarily suspend this pledge.
I will not utter a profane word -- unless in sport -- without having been previously vexed at something.
I will make use of no tobacco in any of its forms, unless i think it would be kind of nice.
I will steal no more than i have actual use for.
I will murder no one that does not offend me, except for his money.
I will commit highway robbery upon none but small school children, and then only under the stimulus of present or prospective hunger.
I will not bear false witness against my neighbor where nothing is to be made by it.
I will be as moral and religious as the law shall compel me to be.
I will run away with no man's wife without her full and free consent, and never, no never, so help me heaven! will i take his children along.
I won't write any wicked slanders against anybody, unless by refraining i should sacrifice a good joke.
I won't whip any cripples, unless they come fooling about me when i'm busy; and i will give all my roommates' boots to the poor.

Answer:
OK, this isn't a joke, but it's the friggin' funniest thing I've seen in a long time. I swear I did not nick this from a website, I took this photo myself. I was on my way back from lunch just today when I drove by this church, and I about threw up I was laughing so hard. I had to turn around and snap a pic, it was just too good. Taken in Prairie Village, KS.


Answer:
Originally Posted by CologneJunkie I've been to this church before... really boring sermon. It's on 75th, right?
- Rich