Question:
So, I didn't exactly know where to post this, but I thought I'd share this with yall, because I thought it was really funny. It's just something that happened to me today...
I was sitting in my good friend KP's room, and I'm enjoying my Chipotle burrito, while she's catching me up on her life. She stops talking and turns to me and says:
"Rich, I have a book I want you to read." - KP
"OK, what book?" - R$
She gets a serious look on her face, knocks a few books on her bookshelf aside and pulls out a book about child development. It's about when kids go bad, what to do when the worst is coming. I look at her and say:
"You think that I need a strong change in how I'm being raised?"
"No, I think you have attachment issues."
She has a dead serious look on her face, so I naturally bust out laughing.
"Of course I have attatchment issues! My mother was a drug addict and died when I was three... they brought her back to life, only to have her slip into a coma they didn't think she'd come out of... yada yada"
"Rich, I'm being serious!"
"Yeah, so am I."
I really didn't understand what the point of all this was, but she thinks I should read the book. I'm not going to. I know my problem, and I'm satisfied for now with it. She said something about money not being everything, that I should focus on my love life too, and I'm thinking "...Um, no? I actually need to focus on my grades right now, but ahhhh, what're grades with out a little lovin'?"
This may seem kind of trivial to you, and it is, but I got a kick out of it, and I hope you did too.
What do yall think? Should I settle down in a nice long term relationship with some girl, or should I remain a bachelor while I focus on my grades? Which girl isn't important, I can find a gem in any girl I choose to. I don't have to be completely enamored with a girl to want to make her happy, so I figure that I'll pick one that strikes my fancy, and see what I can make out of it.
Point is, she thinks I need a little emotional development (Yeah, this is the girl I gave massages to for how long?), and that a relationship is the way to do that.
- Rich

Answer:
My solution is: if you apply yourself, there is no reason why you can't have the grades and the girl both.
Now i'm going to tell you what i think. Don't get upset by any of it; what i think isn't relevant - because you can think for yourself, right? Therefore, take whatever interests you and let the rest fall by the wayside.
Your friend is around your age, then? Relatively young. See, an older woman would have recommended a book without the "i think you have attachment issues" statement. Your friend is just "repeating shit she overheard" in Cosmo or something. This is fine, eventually she will age a bit and have an original thought or two. What i'm saying is that the intellectual "attachment issues" isn't yet grounded sufficiently in life experience for her to be flinging it about so freely.
Here's the important thing, though. In a pedantic way, she's trying to help. She's just being clumsy about it. So, how much would it hurt to read the book and see what's on the other side of the door?
G'luck whatever you choose.
edit: grammar

Answer:
I think a child really misses having a mother. Duh. It makes me sad for you, and it's extra hurtful that her death was from drugs she took herself.

It's a bit early to be looking at yourself for possible sex addiction, and I suspect that's the gist of the issue. I know some sex addicts, and it's a very real phenomenon. They get to be obsessed with the thrill of the chase, and risk marriages and careers for the rush of conquest. It makes them feel triumphant. The trust, respect, responsibility, companionship, security of a steady relationship just doesn't satisfy, as one guy put it "like eating oatmeal three times a day for the rest of your life"---although, typically, these men want both, and thus end up having bunches of meaningless affairs. You can't have both.
When you feel ready to settle down, and you want all that a relationship can be, and yet, still find yourself craving first one woman or another for almost no reason other than availability, when you try to be faithful and can't, when you make promises and mean them--and then break them, when you become angry and defensive about monogomy, then you can worry.
The only thing that makes me worry right now, is the statement "Which girl doesn't matter." Ahem. "Which girl" is actually pretty important if you plan on giving your own trust and heart, as opposed to just taking hers while you use her for steady sex.
Emotional growth, indeed.

Answer:
Some good responses, but I didn't tell you the whole story, which is my fault.
My mother is still alive and living in California. This may seem great, but when you're eight years old and your sister runs out to the mailbox to check for birthday presents every day for two weeks around her birthday, you get only slightly bitter towards the mother figure. My dad was the best possible parent anyone could ever had, and there is no way in the world that I would have survived without him. My sister is my best friend, and it always hurt to see her shunned by our mother when we didn't expect it. She's so fried that she called me the other day telling me that she was going to ship my Christmas presents soon. (Just like last year). I'm not bitter at her, because her actions helped define me as a person, but I'm still struggling to forgive her for what she did to my sister. Take into account that my sister is two years older than me, and you now know how my sister feels about her because of me. Also take into account that she wasn't an alcoholic when she was pregnant with Tricia, and that Tricia just found out she was with me, and you know how my big sister feels about our mother. Yes, I have attachment issues. No, I did not have a bad upbringing, and I'm more privileged than everybody I know, if just for the fact that I had my father and my sister.
KP and I had a sexual relationship for about four months, but no emotional involvement. We were really good friends, but we both decided that it couldn't go on this way, so we stopped (third time was the charm). Let me clarify here that sexual when I talk about it means anything but full on sex. I consider sex making love, or fucking. I'm a virgin. I don't intend to stay that way, but I'm in NO hurry to give it up. I've had it for 19 years, right?
I don't plan on using a girl for sex. I can do that already, and I choose not to. If I get in a relationship, I'm going to do it to learn all I need to know, and maybe get my heart broken in the process. The things I need to learn:
1.) How to stay interested in a girl longer than a month or two.
2.) How to make it so I'm more than just interested.
3.) Get to the point where I know my limits, so in the future I don't make a terrible mistake (such as marrying someone like my mom).
My idea of a relationship is this: If the other person's happy, I'm happy. My dream relationship is one where I can give all the love (I didn't say money or items, not a big fan of the money loose boyfriend) I want to be happy. The best times I've had with girls is when I thought I could trust them completely, and opened up a little corner of my heart for them. I know that sounds cheesy, but it's the truth, and I'm afraid I'm done talking for now.
- Rich

Answer:
All the money and good grades in the world aint worth shit, if you dont have someone worth sharing it all with.

I'd rather have an okay paying job and a nice woman. Than to put off the chance to have the perfect woman, just to have some money later on in life.

Answer:
My two cents worth. DON'T get married. If you have a relationship, make sure the noose doesn't end up around your neck. Be FREE!!! Enjoy life. Do good at school and get a good career going. Don't ever let another control you. Doesn't mean you can't have great friends, but keep your freedom at all costs, for as long as it takes to really grow up. Just one opinion.

Answer:
1.) How to stay interested in a girl longer than a month or two.
I think if you meet someone that is truly compatible with you, someone that you feel a deep connection with, than remaining "interested" should be effortless.
2.) How to make it so I'm more than just interested.
Do you mean moving pass the point of being just interested, and actually loving the person? You have to be ready for it, to want it. If it takes that much effort, maybe a relationship just isn't a priority for you at this time. If that is the case, then just focus on other areas of your life for now. If love is what you're looking for, here's a passage from the book "Captain Corelli's Mandolin" where the father tells his daughter about "love":
"Love is a temporary madness, it erupts and then subsides. When it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have grown so intertwined that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Love is not breathlessness; it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. It is not the desire to mate every second minute of the day, it is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every cranny of your body..that is being “in love”, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the blossoms had fallen from our branches we found that were one tree, not two."
IMO, that sums up nicely what love is..
3.) Get to the point where I know my limits, so in the future I don't make a terrible mistake (such as marrying someone like my mom).
Sometimes learning one's limits entails making some mistakes (hopefully not the same ones repeatedly). Some of the best lessons I learned were from failed relationships. I have no regrets because I realized what I wanted, what I could or could not tolerate etc. I'm confident that you'll make the right decisions...and that you'll recognize all the red flags of an addictive personality -so that if you meet a girl remotely similar to your mother, you'll run the other way! and don't look back.
You mentioned that your dream relationship is one where she's happy...
I'm afraid if you cater only to her needs and not yours that you'll end up resenting her, thus failing the relationship. It's extremely important that you don't neglect yourself in the process. There has to be balance. Having said all that -I do think you probably should focus on school for now. Plenty of time later for relationships.
Good luck!

Answer:
Originally Posted by _R$_ Yes, I have attachment issues. No, I did not have a bad upbringing, and I'm more privileged than everybody I know, if just for the fact that I had my father and my sister.
KP and I had a sexual relationship for about four months, but no emotional involvement. We were really good friends, but we both decided that it couldn't go on this way, so we stopped (third time was the charm). Let me clarify here that sexual when I talk about it means anything but full on sex. I consider sex making love, or fucking. I'm a virgin. I don't intend to stay that way, but I'm in NO hurry to give it up. I've had it for 19 years, right?
I don't plan on using a girl for sex. I can do that already, and I choose not to. If I get in a relationship, I'm going to do it to learn all I need to know, and maybe get my heart broken in the process. The things I need to learn:
1.) How to stay interested in a girl longer than a month or two.
2.) How to make it so I'm more than just interested.
3.) Get to the point where I know my limits, so in the future I don't make a terrible mistake (such as marrying someone like my mom).
My idea of a relationship is this: If the other person's happy, I'm happy. My dream relationship is one where I can give all the love (I didn't say money or items, not a big fan of the money loose boyfriend) I want to be happy. The best times I've had with girls is when I thought I could trust them completely, and opened up a little corner of my heart for them. I know that sounds cheesy, but it's the truth, and I'm afraid I'm done talking for now.
- Rich Trust yourself. This isn't great advice to give everyone, but you seem like you think a lot, and are actually considerate of others. This is quite rare.
It's usually safe to ignore people who tell you that you "should" be doing such-and-such with regard to relationships. When you're ready, you'll know. People live long lives, and grow up at a more leisurely pace these days, and if you have a scar or two, getting to where you can be part of a couple can take even longer.
If someone (rather than your lack of knowledge about them/their assumed air of mystery) is genuinely interesting to you, they'll stay so. If you actually love someone, you'll understand that, too; not "know", but "understand". If in doubt, time to back off and have a think.
Getting your heart broken is wretched, but for most people (not inevitably) it's something you through at least once. If someone doesn't do it for you, you do it to yourself. Give yourself time to acquire the strength necessary for dealing with this.
Basically, I think you're already doing the right thing for the right reasons. Impressive.

Answer:
Briefly put:
It's a bad idea to use another person to work through one's own problems, to
"fix" one's self. It will not end prettily. That being said, everyone does so, especially at your age.
Keep the grades up and you'll do what you want to do otherwise...good luck.

Answer:
ok Rich,
Who's paying for school? first thing you may want to do is tell whoever is paying the bills what your plans are. I know school is expensive.
Second thing I think about is your Mom. She's definitely hurt your sister, your father and yourself. I think she was a very sick woman and probably still is. Whether she's self medicating with substances or whether alchoholism runs in her family, usually one side sometimes both. Whatever has her drinking is going to be genetic. It's just about a foregone conclusion. Do you drink? Does your sister drink? You say your Mom was drinking while she was pregnant with you?
I hope whatever genetic factor that lead to her drinking skips your generation and that yourself and your sister don't have to live in that hell. If you have kids the genetic factor is still there.
So why did/does Mom drink? You may want to find out. None of this is going to be easy. None of it has been easy. We all have our burdens to carry. Exercize, get plenty of sleep and use that thing thats sitting on your shoulders. thats what God gave it to you for.
The best of luck whatever you choose. Remember if it's easy it probably ain't worth much and when I was 19 I was just as mystified about life as every other 19 year old. When I was 18 Alice Cooper released the album with "18 and I like it". The song captured the energy and anger and confusion of it's day and I liked it.