Question:
In the same spirit as Reader’s Digest’s “All In a Day’s Work” column, what funny things have happened to you all on the job? My job is fairly boring. I connect attorneys to court rooms via conference call so they can make their appearances telephonically. Occasionally I get to listen to some crazy cases, like when a woman was suing her doctor for “stealing her belly button and facial skin.” The funniest thing is usually the unexpected quips we hear in court. My co-worker keeps a collection of court quotes, and encourages us to e-mail her whenever we hear something funny. She then sends us a compilation of all the quotes she’s received. These are the best of her latest list, & I submitted a few of these, myself…

Judge: “Are you on a cell phone, counsel?”
Counsel on phone: “Yes, your honor.”
Judge: “What service are you using- so we’ll all know what NOT to use.”
Counsel on phone: “Verizon, your honor.”

Counsel: “Good morning, Your Honor. How was your Thanksgiving… er, Weekend… uhhhhh, Halloween… I mean BIRTHDAY?!?”

Counsel on the phone: “ This is…. For plaintiff…..” (big dogs barking loudly in the background, and counsel trying to shush the dogs..)
Judge: “I’m sorry counsel, I couldn’t hear your appearance. It sounds like someone was commenting on your case, there.”

Judge: “My brother is a manager at that plant. He’s the only one in my family who knows how to do anything.”

Judge: “I’m not a fan of tag-team wrestling.”

Counsel: “Good to be back here?”
Judge: “Yeah, I like it here. I like it a lot. Kind of like enjoying an insane asylum, but I like it.”

Judge: “Sorry, it’s hard to hear you. There is a holding cell next to the courtroom and the prisoners won’t shut up.”

Counsel: “This has turned into a kind of ‘neener neener neener’ situation, your honor.”
Counsel: “I don’t know if she has any kind of relationship with the horse, your honor.”

Counsel: “That was my fault your honor, and I take full responsibility…. Unless you’re going to sanction me.”

(There were a lot of Asian attorneys in the courtroom that day, many with the same name…)
Court clerk: “We have a lot of ‘Wang’ in the courtroom today.”

Judge: “I will postpone judgment until I’ve seen her briefs.”

Judge: “You know.. You counsel remind me of Ed, Edd, and Eddy. Have you heard of them? They’re these characters on Cartoon Network who are always coming up with some scheme or plan, but it never plays out to their expectations. It’s a very funny show. You guys should watch it.”

And the best for last…

Court clerk: “Do I look like I’ve just been under the Judge’s bench?”

Answer:
I heard this one about lawyers on the net some time ago:
Defense Counsel: "So, Detective Kennedy, you say your partner described my client over the radio and you arrested him by listening to his description and using that description to 'recognize' my client?"
Detective Kennedy: "Yes sir. That is correct."
DC: "And tell me Detective, do you TRUST your partner? Other Detectives and Police Officers?"
DK: "Yes. Yes I do, sir".
DC: Well then, tell me, do you have a locker room in the precinct, one that you share with other Police Officers?"
DK: "I do, sir. We all have lockers to keep personal belongings in".
DC: And do you keep it LOCKED with a padlock when you are not there, Detective Kennedy"?
DK: Yes, I do keep a combination lock on it, sir".
DC: I see..so...what you are saying is that you don't TRUST your fellow officers, Detective"?
DK: Well, sir, it's like this. Sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through our locker room...".